So I wake up today and look outside and what do I see? Snow! Snow everywhere. I did expect it though, because it started snowing last night. The strange thing is it’s been mostly clear throughout all of November, and it’s as if the snow was specifically waiting for December to fall. A few days ago I was actually wondering if this would happen, and I kept thinking “Damn, I really want it to hit December without any snow.” But nope, nature read my thoughts and retaliated with a big Fuck that!. So here I am, sitting inside, home from work, thinking about how much I’d rather be warm than be in the snow.

But this is supposed to be a blog about raps, not my disdain for winter. Though in this case the two sort of collide. See, I made an entry a little while back about nostalgia and looking through my old stuff. Included in that old stuff was a song entitled December. It was about—you guessed it—the month of December! And I’m going to post it up for you to hear if you should choose, but before we actually get to that, I’d like a word…

See this is a really old song, which means two things: It’s a little “emo,” and it’s certainly not polished or made with the best of flows/understanding of how things work. I believe this is either two or three years old. Probably three. So no, it’s not going to sound great. Also, back then I was… how shall we put it… ah! Sort of a whiny little bitch. I wrote a lot of songs about how things were terrible and I was sad about stuff and blah blah blah I had a lot of first world problems.

So why bother posting it at all? Well for as much as it does suck, there’s just something about it that gets me. The main purpose of the song is this feeling of discontent every time December rolls around, and I feel this every single year no matter what. Every year December hits and I think “Fuck, what the hell have I done with my time!?” It doesn’t even matter if I have accomplished stuff, because I know that I could always do more, and I’ve wasted more of the year than I’ve utilized. Even take a look at this year, I released Empty Handed, I moved out of my parents house, those are two pretty big accomplishments. I played a bunch of super fun and relatively large shows, including a few conventions. I opened for MC Frontalot. And yet I’m sitting here thinking shit, it’s already December, and I’m just not satisfied with how much I’ve completed in this year.

Maybe I’m just asking too much of myself, and maybe it’s not a legitimate complaint, but it’s an unavoidable feeling nonetheless. One that I actually welcome because it’s about this time of year that I really start to push myself once again into some sort of overdrive that results in getting a lot of work done, until it eventually somehow fades away, and then suddenly before I know it it’ll be December again of 2012. Then I guess I won’t need to worry, because the world will be ending.

Now there’s one last thing to mention: The singing. Yep, that’s right, it’s another lovely track where I attempted (And failed) to sing. Since then I’ve obviously given up on trying to sing on my own tracks, and this is probably one of my most full-on enthusiastic attempts at singing on a track. I actually remember the night I recorded this, singing and then thinking No, no… Something is wrong… I realized that I was holding back, trying to hit notes and I could tell I was holding back when I listened to it. My new tactic was to just fucking scream the lyrics and hope the notes followed. It doesn’t sound great, and actually makes me laugh in retrospect. Hopefully you’ll find it amusing too, but that was my take on it: Just scream with all your enthusiasm and see what happens. The resulting song turned out to be some sort of bastardized Linkin Park sounding track about how December makes me sad. Wah.

Click here to listen to “December”!

Lyrics ‘n junk:

It’s December again…
When the hell did that happen?
Another year gone
I’m still writing these songs
Doesn’t feel like it’s really been all so long

In the background of my mind I find myself asking
Where all my time went and why I’ve been acting
Like I’m just waiting for the moment it’ll fall into place
I’ve gotta take action or I might be replaced
Biding my time waiting for opportunity
Pledging my loyalty to endless states of unity
And truthfully I’ve just been standing still
My ambitions leaving me with some big shoes to fill (x2)

It’s December again…
Who the hell let the cold in?
Another year gone
My friends aren’t getting along
Doesn’t feel like it’s really been all so long

December in Minnesota can get kinda brutal
But nothing compares to the absence of you though
On a cold December first I reflected on the worst
Till I felt like I would burst, till I felt like I was cursed
I can’t sleep normally and I make minimum wage
I don’t go to college and I’m increasing in age
Independent in my head but can’t back up the claim
Starting to realize I’m not even playing the game
I mean I’m not going insane, I’ve had so much fun
But the real test of work hasn’t even begun
I feel I’ve progressed but I can’t find that proof
In the back of my head I’ve always known the truth
So maybe someday soon I’m going to seize this life
I’m going to take over it all and I’m going to do it right
I know that when I do I’ll get this all correct
But in the cold of December I just sit and reflect

I sit here alone, so many thoughts to remember
Too cold to go have fun; that’s the curse of December
A year ago I felt I had it all figured out
No doubt in my mind that I knew what life was about
One year later I sit here to remember
The past consequences of a bitter cold December
Stripped of a life I once laid out in my head
Not according to plan, none of this was what I said
I thought I’d be with you until the break of forever
That was my mindset in the midst of December
The cold took that away and embedded a new memory
Of lost causes and broken promises between you and me
So now I laugh at the thought of it being never
Cause that’s not what you told me last December
We’d always be together, we both said it to be so
Until it all broke into pieces and it froze up in the snow

In the background of my mind I find myself thinking
About the comfort zone I built and how it’s shrinking
Amongst realistic ideals of what I cannot achieve
Absurdities though, I’ve just gotta believe
Every year my resolution to take control
Then the end rolls around and I’m making the same goal
Maybe someday soon I’ll do everything I say
Make this all okay, more work and less play (x2)
(It’s December again…
How did we get here from then?
Another year gone
Seems like I had it all wrong
Doesn’t feel like it’s really been all so long)

It’s December again…
What use is there to pretend
Another year gone
Trying so hard to belong
Doesn’t feel like it’s really been all so long